i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.