you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
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She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
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I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Brb crying the tears of my youth
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won