That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
