The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
