it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
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Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
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I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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