did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
