I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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