When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
