Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
