I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
