dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
