Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
