She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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