Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The maid of honor just puked.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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