Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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