you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
