i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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