He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
