Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
