fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
