Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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