i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
