I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
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I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
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Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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