fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
they're like a gay fantastic four
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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