I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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