You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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