my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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