Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
