sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
