I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
