Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
