dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
