Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
