i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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