my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
