I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
