Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
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I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
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I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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