I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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