You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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