Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
