In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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