I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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