Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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