When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
