Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
