If i come over, it means nothing
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
