I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I think your dad took our porno
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
