i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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