so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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