smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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