It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
