I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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