update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
