my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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